About 3 years ago, Pyeongchang lost their second bid to hold the Winter Olympics to Sochi, Russia. At the time I wrote up a fictional piece about the Korean town's inevitable 3rd try in 2011. In honour of the upcoming Olympic Games in Vancouver (to whom Pyeongchang lost in 2003 by one of the slimmest margins ever), I offer that 'news' article once again. Enjoy. Or don't. I don't depend on other people's happiness for my own.
PyeongChang Loses bid to hold 2018 winter olympics to Baghdad
Rome, Italy- The Olympic dream of the small Korean city of Pyeongchang was shattered yet again yesterday when it lost another close vote to hold the Winter Olympics in 2018. Pyeongchang received 2 votes, 30 behind winner Baghdad and 16 less than second place Royal Norwegian Offshore Oil Rig #1203 in the Artic Ocean.
“Sure, Iraq is on the brink of a civil war, the populace lives in fear and the city has little to no infrastructure. But, given the choices, it was really a no-brainer,” said New Zealand IOC member Hugh Sheffield.
When asked what put Baghdad ahead of other contenders like Pyeongchang, Sheffield stated, “A third of our envoy was killed in the 6 hours we were able to actually go into the Iraqi capital. But, on the other hand, no one knocked me down and stepped on my skull trying to get on the bus before me. That was nice.” Sheffield also noted the welcome lack of children shoving fingers into the delegation’s rear ends.
Swiss IOC member Hans Gergenheister added, “I wasn’t confident with the weather in Pyeongchang. They promised to show us the mountain that would be used for alpine skiing. However, after being led up a small hill, I suppose to get a better look at the mountain, I wasn’t able to see any peaks at all. I guess the fog was just too thick. It was a nice touch for them to colour it yellow, though, to represent Asia…or whatever.” Gergenheister was unable to continue the interview after coughing up blood and passing out.
“They tell me to drink little green bottle,” explained Russian IOC member Boris Chrevchoskov of his vote against Pyeongchang. “They tell me it is like vodka, so I drink. Was it joke? Horse-piss joke? I no laugh. I punch and kick bad men. No Olympics for you, bad men.”
Another factor that may have swayed IOC voters was the compactness of the sites slated to serve as Olympic venues in cozy Baghdad. Commented Dutch IOC member Paul Van der Loopin, “There are only four buildings left standing in Baghdad, and they’re all ready to hold several events each.” Figure skating and luge will be held at the police station in the North-East, speed skating and biathlon at the al-qebib falafel restaurant in the South. All alpine skiing events will take place in the centre of the city on what has become known as the Great Freedom Democracy Liberation Pile of Rubble. Curling will be played on the frozen blood of infidels.
“And you can forget about traffic jams! No one in their right mind would ever try to start a car in that city,” Van der Loopin continued.
Baghdad’s motto, “We Have Electricity Sometimes!” was also sited as being more catchy than the “Super Happy Well Being Bravo Sports Massage Have A Good Time Smile Fighting!?&!?” featured in Pyeongchang’s bid. “With Baghdad, I know what I’m getting. I felt confused, and even mildly offended, by the other one…What’s the name of that city there? Over in Japan or wherever,” Sheffield said.
Reading from a prepared statement, Pyeongchang’s bid Chairman, Kim Chung-Hee, told reporters, “The Swiss player was offside! OFFSIDE!”
Spanish IOC member, Julio Gueveras, who voted for Pyeongchang, expressed hope that the Korean city would try again in the future. “I really, really hope these guys put another bid in while I’m still here. I am totally willing to vote for them again. Hear that Kim Hong-Ki, CEO of Samsung? I am tooooootally willing to do this again. Now, can someone please help me lift this 50” flat screen TV into my brand new Hyundai Tiburon?”
Indeed, although having lost three consecutive Olympic bids, Korean officials promised to keep trying. “That’s just super,” commented Van der Loopin. “Pyeongchang’s perennial optimism in the face of crushing and inevitable defeat is really the ideal of the Olympics. Or at least the Special Olympics.” Pyeongchang faces tough competition for the right to hold the 2022 Olympics, however. The Kashmir territory between India and Pakistan, a garbage barge off the coast of Long Island and a pothole in Bangkok have all expressed their interest in winning the bid.
No comments:
Post a Comment