4 movies and a funeral

And then there was one. Everyone I know has thoughtful or at least not Satanic black hearted employers and as such are currently galavanting around somewhere. A couple are in New Zealand, another two in Burma. Got one in Canada, 3 in the US and about 4 in either China or Japan. Then there's those lost in the vague "South-East Asia" trip everyone must accomplish before they grow hair on their reproductive areas. And I'm here alone in my cold dark apartment in Seoul. Well, not completely alone. My friends Cass and Soju are keeping me from crying. So far.

Being alone and the weather being what it is, I've recently watched several movies which I will comment on here. Try to guess what movies they are by my descriptions.

1-It's full of stars. FULL OF STARS. BEAUTY....EXISTS!!!! In 3-D!

2-Well, the book destroyed me emotionally so the movie will....zzzzzzzzzzz....

3-Good times. Screw you Hitler! Also, blood and gore.

4-Woody, you crack me up.

5-I can't sleep now as I ponder the implications of demanding a man abandon his humanity to sustain a conflict that serves no purpose and only causes more suffering and hatred. But is conflict and thus the resolution of conflict the purpose of man and so the essence of humanity to begin with? No, putting your life in danger only to complete goals that would necessarily put yourself and others in more danger in the future is the antithesis of the human condition. Helping in a conflict you yourself have created, or allowed to be created, only satisfies the immediate needs of the person in the situation and creates obstacles to their inner peace in the future. But there will always be obstacles and we cannot control the situations we find ourselves in, so our reaction to those situations is necessarily pure of cynism, and then longing for those same restrictions in the future only illustrates that the person had no direction, or if you will 'humanity', to begin with. Yes, however...............

For the uninitiated, the answers are 1-Avatar (seriously, if you didn't get that you must be having a crappier winter break than I am, living under that rock and all). 2- The Road, 3- Inglourious Basterds, 4-Zombieland, 5-The Hurt Locker. And now for the 1st annual Awards of Orange:

Best actor
Woody Harrelson, Zombieland.

Oh sure, the actors in the Hurt Locker are technically better. I'm not even sure if they are actors or real soldiers, they're that good. But Woody, you crack me up.


Best actress
Melanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds

Bien oui, ma cher. Played the French aloof bitch perfectly, and I mean that very positively. Not ruining anything, but the final part with her laughing est magnifique! Say what you will about Tarintino, but the man certainly knows how to create a heroine.

Best novel that got turned into a bedtime story
The Road

I was skeptical going in, bored going out. Not bad, though, which makes it worse. If it was bad then at least I'd have an opinion. Right now I'm just getting sleepy again.

Best movie watching paraphernalia handed to me when purchasing tickets
Noodles, The Road

Yes, Avatar gave me the glasses. However, for some unknown reason even though it was explained to me 4 different times, I was handed two giant packages of udon noodles when I bought my tickets for The Road. You can't eat glasses, folks.

Most subtitles (that I had to read to understand plot)
Inglourious Basterds

Even knowing French wasn't good enough. Plus, I don't think I know that many French swear words or ways to say 'die', 'death', 'kill' or 'to be dead'.

Most subtitles (that had no bearing on my understanding of the plot)
Avatar

What, there's dialogue? Is it in 3D? No? Then I don't care.

Film I will annoy others with "You should really see...." for months
The Hurt Locker

A tough category here. Most people have already seen Avatar, and if they haven't I let the shame that only mass media can force on them do my job for me. It'll probably be in theatres for months, so even the slothiest of the sloths out there will probably meander their way to the cinema eventually. Heck, even I finally submitted and saw Titanic after 7 months in the hope that I was the last remaining person in the free world that hadn't seen it so it could finally end its run. Zombieland is probably under-appreciated so my gospel would reach many. But while I love horror/zombie/comedy(slash)horror movies, not many of the people I know do. Losers. And I was probably the last one I know to see Basterds. The Hurt Locker, though. You guys should really see that. I mean it. I think it's still playing some places, I'll look it up for you. If not, you can totally see it on DVD. Man, you just don't know until you see it. You should totally sit down one night and watch that movie. Like really watch it. Y'know? So....have you seen it yet? Cause you totally should.

Most tissues left unused at end of film
The Road

Outside of adult entertainment, I have never approached a movie with more tissues ready to be soiled in my life. Not one used, unless you count wiping the yawn spit from my chin at the end.

Best killing of zombies
Zombieland

Fuck yeah!

Best killing of Nazis
Inglourious Basterds

Fuck yeah!

Best use of 3D to make me feel like I escaped into a dreamworld of magic and wonder
Avatar

The first 3D film I've ever seen and it didn't disappoint. 2, 3, 4, however many hours it was of childlike wonder. *happy sigh*

Best 'Splosions!!!!1!
The Hurt Locker

The toughest category, really. Basterds was up there, as was Avatar and Zombieland. Yes, Locker beat out 3D, Nazi and zombies explosions.

Film I will see again when I have access to performance enhancing substances
Zombieland

You might have expected to see Avatar here, but let me explain. There is no way my viewing experience of that movie could be enhanced by anything besides finding a Delorian to take me back to 1986 and having my 6-year-old self poop his pants in delight. So Zombieland it is.

Film people are missing the point of the most
Avatar

Listen, anyone past second grade knows the writing is obvious, the plot predictable and the characters one-dimensional (ha!). I don't care. I don't even know how to express how much I don't care about that. The characters could have just stood around scratching their asses for the entire 5 hours, or whatever, and I would have been fine with that. I didn't understand the Korean subtitles for the aliens and it didn't impact my viewing experience in the least. You know why? BECAUSE IT WAS UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL YOU SOULESS FAUX INTELLECTUALS. That's why. I think religion is a farce, but that didn't stop me from thoroughly enjoying Narnia, the original dreamworld of magic. So put on your goddamned ugly glasses, sit back and gasp at the innocent wonder. Or I swear I will kick your ass out of the theatre and down the stairs until you are bloody and begging to return to the magic of Pandora. I'm sorry, sweetie, but as your uncle I just have to do what I think is right for you.

Film that makes you go hmmmmmmm.....
The Hurt Locker

......if we are to judge a man based on his actions in the here and now and not on what we expect his actions to be based on what others, including that very man, have done around us in the past then our perspectives are always in flux. And if our persepctives are always changing then how can we rely on them to decipher the world around us. Given that, what I might consider erratic now might seem reasonable or even desirable in the future given other circumstances and experiences. But this all changes when other lives are depending on you and those lives are reacting to what you are doing right now, unaware of what experiences might come in the future. In that case, which is to say all cases because no one is ever aware of the future, one must take into account all parties' expectations and needs. However, all of this is simply theoretical nonsense when faced with the immediacy and horror of war and the fallacy of man. How can we expect others to conform and even understand our own needs when we often, if not always, have no idea what those are for ourselves. Which of course raises the whole question of right to self-destruction because.......

Can I clean it after I soak it with your blood?

So I'm in here a few days ago teaching my kids and doing what I do. My principal and VP come in and stand at the back to watch. A few minutes pass and I guess they felt they weren't getting enough attention so in the middle of us doing something, my black-hearted principal just starts addressing all the students in Korean. Ok, nevermind what I was doing, you go ahead. She stops talking and I awkwardly start again only to be interrupted once more by the black hearted one. She asks me to come in the hallway. Acutally, my VP is the one who asks me because I'm not good enough to be spoken directly to (seriouly, the woman will not speak directly to me and does so only through people. It's not a language thing either, she'll say things in English to my co-teacher right in front of me like, "Tell him I want a better lesson plan". Yes, she's that messed up).

Anyway, so I go outside and my principal (again, via my VP) tells me to clean the floor in my classroom. Ok, fine, I'll do that after the class. NO! RIGHT NOW! Wait, you want me to stop teaching and sweep the floor? No, of course not....................you have to MOP the floor! I clarify again; I should stop the lesson, go find a mop, fill up a bucket with water, move the desks and clean the floor right now?

YES!

I roll my eyes and say sure, I'll get right on it. I return to what I was doing. I told my co-teachers about this yesterday when we met for lunch and after they all looked at their feet one apologized, "This makes Koera look so bad." The other just deadpanned, "Principal is sick in the head."

YES!

This year my camp is called "Crystal Lake" on account of all the blood

There are several things I don't understand about English camp, the first obviously being where Koreans came up with the term 'camp' for 'additional classes that are almost exactly like normal classes'. Besides that, I present to you my top 5 list of irrationalities, irritabilities and ir....regular verbs(?) of English Camp.

1) Keeping the class list more secret than Bush's location in the afternoon of 9/11 (my guess: Jack in the Box in Idaho). What grade, how many, what level? Apparently, these are all insignificant queries for the teacher, yet we are still expected to create 15 days of informative and entertaining lessons for these mystery guests. It's not even like no one knows or anything. I see the permission slips from the kids on my co-teacher's desk weeks ahead of time, but if I happen to glance at them they are promptly stowed away in a locked drawer. I have been in Korea long enough to know that information, integral or mundane, is the second most valuable commodity here (after subway seats, of course). It still drives me nuts, though. I do get it however. If you had some sort of idea of what's going on then how would the higher ups get off on controlling you?

2) 25 kids maximum are supposed to be in each class. So, that's 25 mothers (I would be PC and say "or fathers", but it's Korea so let's just be honest) who filled out the form. It's first come, first served, or whoever hands over the thickest envelope or whines on the phone the most, etc. So there are kids out there who wanted to come but couldn't. Tomorrow is the last day of camp, and out of the total 75 kids on my list at least 14 of them haven't showed up once. I simply do not understand why you would go to the trouble of signing up for something, knowing you're taking a valuable spot that someone else really wants, and then simply not coming at all over 3 weeks. Not only that, but I made books and printed off a copy of the 23 page thing for every single student. I find this extremely, unbelievably selfish. Notice I didn't use the adjective "surprising".

3) Out of the ones who have come, I would say maybe 10/75 show up at least 4 days a week. The others are in here maybe once or twice, or if they're up to it a whole 3 days a week. Not only that, but they waltz in 5, 10, 15 minutes late. It's a 40 minute class. WTF is the point? And it's always the slowest ones, too. I have to explain everything all over again to them, and they just can't get it through their adorably thick skulls. I ask one of the other kids to explain it in Korean. Still no sign of life. Forget it, you'll probably have to leave early anyway.

4) Mothers who 'hide' outside my class. I don't know if they really believe I can't see them or if they're half retarded. Either way, it's annoying as hell. You can try to duck down behind that shelf in the hallway, but with your giant head with the even gianter permed hair-do it's not going to happen. I don't care if you want to watch the class, I've offered for you to come and sit down inside if you want. But no, you perfer to pretend to walk away, then sneak back to your post behind the pilar outside the door. By the way, if you don't want me to hear you jogging back try not dragging your feet with shoes 3 sizes too big hanging from your feet. Just a tip!

5) These random kids. Mommy wants to go have coffee/hot affair with her friend/inernet hook-up this morning, and I've heard there's some foreign dude babysitting at your school for free. You can come home around 1:00, ok? No kidding, I don't know if this happens at other schools, but almost daily I have these random kids show up that aren't on my list and have no idea why they're there. Sometimes they stay for different classes. But they're always only there for one day. Then there's these two other kids who started bringing their little brothers to our class. So in a 3rd grade class I have two 1st graders. And you know what, fine. But you would think it would be common courtesy to ask me if it was alright. Nope, just show up without warning and let me deal with it. Oh, did I mention that these kids are the ones who are always late?

I mean, I don't fool myself. It's not school anymore than it's a camp. It's babysitting pure and simple. It's easy and I actually like the change from the grind, so it's not bad or anything. At least the kids have been good. Well, up until today when one of them stabbed another kid with scissors and then had a nervous breakdown complete with chair throwing and table turning over when I asked him to see me outside. I mean, it wouldn't be Korea without childhood psychosis.

Can the Olympics sue me for license infringement if I use the word Olympics to ask if the Olympics can sue me for license infringement?

Let me start by saying that I love the Olympics. The flags, the national anthems, the fractions of seconds, the underdog stories, the superhuman displays, the history, the hard bodies, the soul crushing lows, the dizzying highs, the tear jerking soft focus personal hardship stories. Can't get enough of all of it. Yes, sport is partly seeing people who think they're amazing come crashing down, and that's why no one outside of mainland USA roots for Americans. "Miracle in Ice" is known as "The day that lives in Ice-famy" in the rest of the world, fyi. But every so often a Jamaican bobsled team or Eddie the Eagle comes along and reminds us that sport can be as simple as giving your all to something despite having limited abilities, resources and training. As teachers in Korea I think we can all relate to that. Minus the gold medals, respect and sense of accomplishment. And fame, dignity, proper funding, input and personal growth. But doing stuff, that's the same.

For all of those reasons I decided once Vancouver was elected host of the 2010 Games that I would be in attendance. I was fortunate enough to actually be in Prague, the city they were holding the vote, that day back in 2003. Most trips to Prague result in it being a beer soaked fairy tale blur and mine was no different. But I do remember putting my giant pilsner mug down long enough to applaud the decision for my home country to play host to the biggest winter party. And to suff a few Czech crowns in the stripper's g-string.

In true Olympic spirit, Vancouver's win was a close one over Pyeongchang Korea, the perpetual bridesmaid of an Olympic host hopeful. Adorable. At the time I was a naive young buck who literally just finished university a few days prior and was lost in Europe with the whole world at my feet. Little did I know I would give up on life so easily and end up in the Hermit Kingdom for half a decade. In retrospect, a Pyeongchang win would have been more convenient for me. But I just can't bring myself to root for Korea even if it benefits me personally. I'm just a terrible person.

Anyway, here we are in the future, 2010, on the cusp of said Olympic games. Long story short, I had no idea what I was doing with my life (hard to tell, right?) the last few years and thus couldn't commit to buying tickets. But now due to the blackness of my principal's heart I will be taking my vacation over the 2 weeks the Olympics will be taking place. This might sound convenient, but there have been set backs.

First, I fly over Vancouver on my way to T-dot (that's what us cool Toronto area hip young dudes call Toronto, duh!) literally during the opening and closing ceremonies, but I can't go through it because Korean Air doesn't fly there and SMOE is buying my ticket. So then I can just catch a flight in Toronto to Vancouver, right? Well, I suppose I could add another 5.5 hour flight on to the 13 I already have. Both ways. Ok, sure, I can make it work.

My next problem was finding a reasonably priced place to sleep while there. Because we love capitalism and there can be no other system where the government helps out the little guy in the least because that's communism and there'll be purges and death panels and the Man will come and sleep with your wife and eat your children, hotels and hostels have tripled their already atrocious West Coast prices for the duration of the Games. But then I had another convenient coincidence fall from the sky. My best friend from home just got a job in the Vancouver area and set up residence last weekend. It's not the Ritz, or even Motel 6 and frankly I'd be amazed if it has running water or heat, but it's a roof! Sha-BAAM!

So now I'm there and challenging the rats for the sofabed, what to see? Well, almost everything's sold out by now. There's the women's hockey game between China and Switzerland available, which would actually be fine if it was less than $50 for the nosebleeds at the ungodly hockey hour of 12 noon. It's not that I'm against drinking beer and shouting that early in the day (just ask my neighbours), it's just that I don't know how I'm expected to be washed and out of the house at that time. I'm on vacation! Then there's curling which I will watch with serious intensity on TV, but only while partaking in another famous BC pastime that I can't do here in Korea due to lack of necessary equipment. Often times I catch myself standing, shouting "SWEEEEEEP!!! HAAAARD!!!" at the TV and I don't think the competitors would appreciate that live. I have to say, though, that out of all the athletes at the Olympics you know the curlers would be the most fun to party with. Hell, if you're from Canada or the MidWest you probably already have. At a family reunion.

My winter sports are short track and long track speed skating. Short track is like rollerderby, but with skill. Canada is good at it while Korea is excellent, which means I could support my Canucks while also booing the Koreans as loud as my blowhorn and ironically used un-thunder sticks would allow me. Screw the Olympic spirit, I'd be lucky not to leave the arena without a human rights abuse charge leveled against me. Oh, how I would jeer their very existance. Originally tickets for these events were $50-$200. Now people are re-selling them online for $200-$8-mother-sucking-000. There are no anti-scalping laws in BC so even the official site has set up an auction for re-sell. Long live capitalism!

I keep thinking of all that wisdom that the bumper stickers I've encountered over the years has taught me. I really should live for today becaus I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, which coincidentally is the first day of my life. I would already be there if being a cynical ass were an event, as we all hope it will be by 2014. But until then I've got to decide if it's worth the time and effort to do all this. As my sister said, "I would just think the best and cheapest view would be from the sofa in my warm livingroom." Well played, Team Reason. Well played.

Make it work

Sometimes living in Korea means abandoning your pre-conceived notions of logic and common sense. In fact, you should probably forget the concepts of logic and common sense all together. Working here highlights this fact even more. If I had a nickel for everytime I've been told not to challenge the students because then they won't learn anything, I'd have enough money to go somewhere more sane, like Disneyworld or Bellevue. If I actually tried to understand why I needed another criminal record check from Canada even though I haven't left Korea since my last one I'd probably go blind. This is why they have 1,000won bottles of soju here. So you don't have to think. I mean, I'm using a Korean keyboard right now that switches to Hanguel every three strokes for no reason, yet it wouldn't let me use the 'won' button in that last sentence. But I'm ok with all of this. Well, really I'm not. But I have a fridge full of soju and a wallet full of chun'uns so I'll just move on.

The evilness of my principal is well documented, but I feel like her insanity has been kept quiet until now. Back in early December while she was denying my request to visit my new born niece and sick father over Christmas, this black hearted creature decided that me teaching English camp in the morning simply wasn't enough. No, I would have to hold 2 hour long classes with various teachers from my school in the afternoon. After expressing some concern about OT payment and referring to my contracted 22 hours per week (principal quote: "Yes, those are HOURS, not classes! So, really, you've been working less than you're supposed to") and calling several higher ups, I finally wittled it down to 2 hours 3 times a week. But I should realize how lucky I am and how kind the principal is, apparently.

I'd also like to point out that I do regular teacher classes at my school which none of these teachers attend. My co-teacher even went to each of them individually and told them it creates a whole lot of unnecessary work for me. They were unfazed. Lovely people, my co-workers. Avert their eyes when I pass them in the hall like I'm a leper gypsie, but just so eager to meet with me thrice a week during break after I'm exhausted from teaching 1st graders all morning.

Yesterday was our first meeting. Originally it was supposed to start at 1pm, which worked better for me but apparently interfered with their lunch schedules. Seeing as they're coming from home with no other commitments, I can only guess that "Screaming Korean Seizure Variety Show #409876" doesn't end till 1 o'clock, hence the conflict.

Over the last 2 weeks I've had nothing to do but lesson plan. Well, that and contemplate arson. In addition to the several test fires I set, I also planned out almost all these teacher classes which was difficult to do seeing as in true Korean fashion the attendance roster was kept more secret than Israel's nuclear capabilities. Hey, I'm just teaching the class. Why would I need to know numbers, levels and expectations? Having taught my district's teachers class previously, I have ample materials for all levels and learning strategies, as well as class sizes. I use a myriad of mediums including hand-outs, group work, ppts, and of course the white board to illustrate grammar facts and student questions. You know, like I was teaching or something.

So there I was sitting in the English room at 1:25 waiting for the mysterious students to show up when in comes one of the secretaries. Though she doesn't speak a word of English I understand enough to follow her downstairs to a room off the main office. "Englishee" (points to room). Outside the room stand 3 teachers who abruptly shout, "Where you?!! Englishee class now!" Well, see, I know not telling me the majority of things is par for Korea, but the the location of the class is probably essential information for the class to actually take place. But nevermind, I run back up to my room and grab my stuff only to return to an empty room. Seems as though every has disappeared. After a quick search, I find them all by the coffee machine. I say I'm ready when they are, am thoroughly ignored and go back to set up for the class. In this new room there is no computer nor is there a white board. Awesome, there goes half my lesson. It's ok, I've dealt with worse. I mean, who in Korea hasn't been asked to lead 5 year olds to fluency in a closet with no heat/AC or electricity for that matter?

Finally the 'students' arrive predictably 10 minutes late. If I've learned anything from teaching adults here is that they will swagger in whenever the hell they feel like it and still expect you to stay with them the whole 2 hours. So, once you get through the speeches and dick measuring of how 'busy' they are, you're about 20 minutes behind. Yes, you're so busy. That coffee machine wasn't going to press the buttons itself! You work so hard, if only you could have a vacation like the one you're enjoying now while I'm at work preparing the lesson you don't care about and will criticize without understanding it.

But I digress.

Whaddaya know, one of the students crawling in is my lovely principal! After regaling me with a non-sequitur story about how she brought ramyeon to the US and all the Americans within sniffing distance begged her to share because American food is awful, Korea #1, and so on, we start the lesson. I remind you, I have absolutely no materials available to me so when a student asks for the spelling of an 11 letter word I have no choice but to repeat the spelling 6 times until she can write it all down. And then 4 more times for the other student who was on their cell. Then 2 more times because, whoops, student #3 got mixed up with the 'b' and 'd'.

In total, 5 students showed up yesterday ranging in English ability from absolute beginner to 'thinks he's more fluent than he really is'. Every single student in the class would be in a different level if I lived in a rational country and there was actual screening. I simply don't know how to teach a class that has one person who looked at me confused when I said, "Hello", and another who asks me about the suitability of ending casual sentences with a preposition. Along with everyone in between. No one would talk, of course, so I had to resort to reading an article and asking questions from it to a series of blank and/or frightened stares. Finally, after carrying most of the conversation for an hour I suggested a break. Honest to god, they all just non-chalantly shook their heads and said, "No, we don't need a break." This after each of them visited the bathroom, refilled their coffees and talked on their phones for hlaf the time. Sorry, folks, I know it goes against what you learned in school but us foreign devils also need to replenish and waste.

After the grueling, terrible, wanted to 'accidentally' stab my throat with my pen so I could get out of there, two hours it was finally over. As I got up to leave my principal, the one with the black heart, stopped me. She was pretty disappointed with the class. There wasn't enough free talking. I said I tried to encourage talking, but no one would bite, including her. Well, that's my fault too. The subject matter was too hard! What were these post-grad Einsteinian subjects we tackled? 'Our family' and when that went to the crickets, "Male roles vs. Female roles in society". Yes, I can see that my questions "Do you have any brothers?" and "Do you cook dinner, or does your wife/husband?" are better left for NASA. So I asked what would be better subjects. Well, I'm the teacher! I'm getting paid to come up with these things, not her! But, fine, she'll help me. You know, things related to Korea more. Yes, family is too much of a foreign concept to wrap your mind around. Sorry about that. Next time it's all kimchi, all the time! Maybe some talk about the 4 seasons here, if we get a little crazy!

I suggested that we move the class to the English room, with the computer, TV, white board, lights and windows. Now I'm just being selfish. I'm going to make all the teachers walk through the cold halls to get there just to make my job easier?

Meh, who needed all those lessons that I made anyway. I'll just start from scratch now to satisfy 6 people at wildly different levels who all really want to talk about lots of things, but it's up to me to figure it out. In a tiny windowless room with absolutely to room to move around or illustrate any points.

I'm thinking of making this all into a project runway-esque reality show.

"We gave them 6 surly students who have no idea what they want, 3 of whom think they're already better than the teacher. They're not allowed to use chalk, markers, powerpoints, computers, any technology past 45BC really. Their mission is to have everyone fluent in a language they refuse to speak outside of this tiny windowless room within a month. The winner will go home. No, that's it. The winner will just go home. Trust us, that's all they want out of this."