And then there was one. Everyone I know has thoughtful or at least not Satanic black hearted employers and as such are currently galavanting around somewhere. A couple are in New Zealand, another two in Burma. Got one in Canada, 3 in the US and about 4 in either China or Japan. Then there's those lost in the vague "South-East Asia" trip everyone must accomplish before they grow hair on their reproductive areas. And I'm here alone in my cold dark apartment in Seoul. Well, not completely alone. My friends Cass and Soju are keeping me from crying. So far.
Being alone and the weather being what it is, I've recently watched several movies which I will comment on here. Try to guess what movies they are by my descriptions.
1-It's full of stars. FULL OF STARS. BEAUTY....EXISTS!!!! In 3-D!
2-Well, the book destroyed me emotionally so the movie will....zzzzzzzzzzz....
3-Good times. Screw you Hitler! Also, blood and gore.
4-Woody, you crack me up.
5-I can't sleep now as I ponder the implications of demanding a man abandon his humanity to sustain a conflict that serves no purpose and only causes more suffering and hatred. But is conflict and thus the resolution of conflict the purpose of man and so the essence of humanity to begin with? No, putting your life in danger only to complete goals that would necessarily put yourself and others in more danger in the future is the antithesis of the human condition. Helping in a conflict you yourself have created, or allowed to be created, only satisfies the immediate needs of the person in the situation and creates obstacles to their inner peace in the future. But there will always be obstacles and we cannot control the situations we find ourselves in, so our reaction to those situations is necessarily pure of cynism, and then longing for those same restrictions in the future only illustrates that the person had no direction, or if you will 'humanity', to begin with. Yes, however...............
For the uninitiated, the answers are 1-Avatar (seriously, if you didn't get that you must be having a crappier winter break than I am, living under that rock and all). 2- The Road, 3- Inglourious Basterds, 4-Zombieland, 5-The Hurt Locker. And now for the 1st annual Awards of Orange:
Best actor
Woody Harrelson, Zombieland.
Oh sure, the actors in the Hurt Locker are technically better. I'm not even sure if they are actors or real soldiers, they're that good. But Woody, you crack me up.
Best actress
Melanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds
Bien oui, ma cher. Played the French aloof bitch perfectly, and I mean that very positively. Not ruining anything, but the final part with her laughing est magnifique! Say what you will about Tarintino, but the man certainly knows how to create a heroine.
Best novel that got turned into a bedtime story
The Road
I was skeptical going in, bored going out. Not bad, though, which makes it worse. If it was bad then at least I'd have an opinion. Right now I'm just getting sleepy again.
Best movie watching paraphernalia handed to me when purchasing tickets
Noodles, The Road
Yes, Avatar gave me the glasses. However, for some unknown reason even though it was explained to me 4 different times, I was handed two giant packages of udon noodles when I bought my tickets for The Road. You can't eat glasses, folks.
Most subtitles (that I had to read to understand plot)
Inglourious Basterds
Even knowing French wasn't good enough. Plus, I don't think I know that many French swear words or ways to say 'die', 'death', 'kill' or 'to be dead'.
Most subtitles (that had no bearing on my understanding of the plot)
Avatar
What, there's dialogue? Is it in 3D? No? Then I don't care.
Film I will annoy others with "You should really see...." for months
The Hurt Locker
A tough category here. Most people have already seen Avatar, and if they haven't I let the shame that only mass media can force on them do my job for me. It'll probably be in theatres for months, so even the slothiest of the sloths out there will probably meander their way to the cinema eventually. Heck, even I finally submitted and saw Titanic after 7 months in the hope that I was the last remaining person in the free world that hadn't seen it so it could finally end its run. Zombieland is probably under-appreciated so my gospel would reach many. But while I love horror/zombie/comedy(slash)horror movies, not many of the people I know do. Losers. And I was probably the last one I know to see Basterds. The Hurt Locker, though. You guys should really see that. I mean it. I think it's still playing some places, I'll look it up for you. If not, you can totally see it on DVD. Man, you just don't know until you see it. You should totally sit down one night and watch that movie. Like really watch it. Y'know? So....have you seen it yet? Cause you totally should.
Most tissues left unused at end of film
The Road
Outside of adult entertainment, I have never approached a movie with more tissues ready to be soiled in my life. Not one used, unless you count wiping the yawn spit from my chin at the end.
Best killing of zombies
Zombieland
Fuck yeah!
Best killing of Nazis
Inglourious Basterds
Fuck yeah!
Best use of 3D to make me feel like I escaped into a dreamworld of magic and wonder
Avatar
The first 3D film I've ever seen and it didn't disappoint. 2, 3, 4, however many hours it was of childlike wonder. *happy sigh*
Best 'Splosions!!!!1!
The Hurt Locker
The toughest category, really. Basterds was up there, as was Avatar and Zombieland. Yes, Locker beat out 3D, Nazi and zombies explosions.
Film I will see again when I have access to performance enhancing substances
Zombieland
You might have expected to see Avatar here, but let me explain. There is no way my viewing experience of that movie could be enhanced by anything besides finding a Delorian to take me back to 1986 and having my 6-year-old self poop his pants in delight. So Zombieland it is.
Film people are missing the point of the most
Avatar
Listen, anyone past second grade knows the writing is obvious, the plot predictable and the characters one-dimensional (ha!). I don't care. I don't even know how to express how much I don't care about that. The characters could have just stood around scratching their asses for the entire 5 hours, or whatever, and I would have been fine with that. I didn't understand the Korean subtitles for the aliens and it didn't impact my viewing experience in the least. You know why? BECAUSE IT WAS UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL YOU SOULESS FAUX INTELLECTUALS. That's why. I think religion is a farce, but that didn't stop me from thoroughly enjoying Narnia, the original dreamworld of magic. So put on your goddamned ugly glasses, sit back and gasp at the innocent wonder. Or I swear I will kick your ass out of the theatre and down the stairs until you are bloody and begging to return to the magic of Pandora. I'm sorry, sweetie, but as your uncle I just have to do what I think is right for you.
Film that makes you go hmmmmmmm.....
The Hurt Locker
......if we are to judge a man based on his actions in the here and now and not on what we expect his actions to be based on what others, including that very man, have done around us in the past then our perspectives are always in flux. And if our persepctives are always changing then how can we rely on them to decipher the world around us. Given that, what I might consider erratic now might seem reasonable or even desirable in the future given other circumstances and experiences. But this all changes when other lives are depending on you and those lives are reacting to what you are doing right now, unaware of what experiences might come in the future. In that case, which is to say all cases because no one is ever aware of the future, one must take into account all parties' expectations and needs. However, all of this is simply theoretical nonsense when faced with the immediacy and horror of war and the fallacy of man. How can we expect others to conform and even understand our own needs when we often, if not always, have no idea what those are for ourselves. Which of course raises the whole question of right to self-destruction because.......
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