But without shoelaces, how will I hang myself?

My shoelace broke about two weeks ago. I tied it together alright and it's surviving barely, but I really need new shoelaces. This is why I didn't want laced up shoes in the first place, but I could not for the life of me find slip ons in my size that didn't scream "asshole" anywhere.

I have visited several of those shoe shine or whatever the hell they are boxes on the street. I learned that's where you have to go after searching for 3 months my first year here. The baffled look and furrowed eyebrows of my Korean co-workers when I asked where I could find shoelaces was my introduction to the uselessness of asking Koreans anything like this, while the condescending laughter when I reported the shoe store didn't carry them clued me into how little common sense I would find here. Anyway, so in the last couple of weeks I've gone to at least 8 different shoe boxes on the street. Apparently shoelaces are needed for the war effort because none can be found. Even when they're clearly hanging on a peg 2 feet in front of my eyes they still do not exist. I've grabbed them only to have them violently taken from my hands and shooed away (pun fully intended).

Korea is the only place I've ever been where people will actually turn down your business. In Europe they might be the laziest, most self-entitled pricks in the world, but they'll eventually ring in your purchase if you huff and puff enough. In South East Asia they'll try to sell you a broken toaster lying in the road if you happen to glance at it. In Noth America everything's for sale, everyone selling it is your friend and I can return it for a full refund when I'm done with it. Not so in Korea. You have to have a job interview through a half inch crack in the passenger side window of a taxi before you can even enter their kingdom. Restaurants will close at dinner time because the cook is hung over and wants to nap. Last summer I tried to buy travel insurance at the airport and they turned me away at 730pm because they close at 8pm and the paperwork might go past that. I had to threaten to call their American head office to change their minds.

But I'm not here to tell Koreans how to run their economy. I just want shoelaces. Nothing fancy, I don't need them to light up, I don't need any neon or Mickey waving hello. Simple black laces to keep my shoe on nice and tight so I won't lose it when I shove my foot up your ass because you won't sell me those god forsaken shoelaces.