One of the things I like about being the (by far, by very very far) youngest in my family and among most of my friends is that I get to experience the terrible inevitabilities that life tortures us with before actually having to face that dark shadow in the mirror myself. The up side is that I never had to worry about getting smokes, booze or a ride home while growing up.
One of those nail guns to the back of the head milestones is turning 30. Yeah, yeah, it's just a number. Feel free to go shout some self-affirmations at your reflection in the broken toaster sitting at the foot of your bed to make you believe that. I'll wait....do la-tee do...la dee-do la...try to make me go to rehab...no no no...once I went black there's no going back...no no no...
Done? Ok. So, anyway, turning 30 scares the living hell out of me. My friend and I once made a pact that we would off ourselves before that day ever came. Yes, we were only 16 at the time. Sure yes, we were about to consume our third tab of acid for the evening. And yes, we used someone else's blood to sign the contract. The point is that even at that tender age we recognized that 30 was not cool. I felt very confident in this pact as the guy is a year and a half older than me and has 'accidentally' overdosed and 'accidentally' fallen off bridges and 'accidentally' thrown himself into fires' in the past. I thought 17 months difference and several real life after-school special worthy hospital visits were ample heads up. But, no. I guess I'm glad he didn't. I mean, I love the guy, best friend, the brother I never had and all that, but it would have made planning my retirement easier. Now I guess I have to make an appointment with someone at my home bank. I suppose a financial consultation with a trained professional is more desirable than attending my best friend's funeral.
Wow, this got morbid real quick. Why? Oh yeah, turning 30.
The point is that this last year I've been dreading the big 3-0 that I have coming to me next year. The same year that sees my parents both turn 60. I'm not afraid of being old, I'm afraid of being old and nothing to show for it. And my solution to that is to sit here and type out my problems to strangers who aren't even reading. Gee, I have no idea how I got this place.
So tonight brings us a dawn of a new year, a new decade even. After the millennial shift of 10 years ago with corresponding awesome Prince song it's hard to get too excited about a new decade. Call me when it's a new supermillennium or whatever 10,000 years is called. I decided to stay home tonight and bring in the new year like my father. Angry, bitter and out cold by 11pm. I planned on going out of town, but the weight of the humidifyer, proper mattress and various pre-sleep medications proved too heavy so I had to u-turn it home.
Like turning 30, New Year's is just a number. But just like turning 30, it's a reason to break out of your habits and do something new, to reinvent yourself. Tomorrow I will be sober, optimistic and healthy. Unitil 2pm when I have a man-date in Itaewon to watch hockey. But for those fleeting few hours in the late morning when I finally roll out of bed, those will be brilliant.
Happy oh-ten everyone!
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